Title: Dancing On My Grave
Date: 20-02-00 - 09-04-00
Timeslot: Post Maggie's death, Season 7. 

Dedication: The funkies - you know who you are!

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue

Authors Notes: Yes, I started this after she died. And no I'm not holding on to the idea that 
maybe she really is still alive... okay so maybe just a little. But if I can accept the fact 
that Helen Blakemore took drugs and that Gavin has a new girlfriend that isn't Tayler I can 
get over this. *sigh* Bugger it! I can't get over the Gav and Helen thing but Maggie is dead,
 "the king is dead, and so it is with a heavy heart that I assume the throne" [eh, the lion 
king]. Feedback again is mandatory. 


~*~ Dancing On My Grave ~*~ 

It was funny seeing my own grave. The gold letters printed neatly across the middle of the 
headstone. Bouquets of fresh flowers were surrounding the bottom. I noticed that the grass 
was well kept. There was just dirt there the first time I was there. About a week after 
my funeral.

I know that I promised both myself and Mick that I'd never go back but I just had to. 
Something inside of me wanted to see my own name there
"Margaret Anne Doyle, 1971 - 2000"
"Loved and cherished by all."

What a beautiful sentiment. I read all the cards that people had put with their flowers; 
"missing you deeply" & "we will never forget."

I bit my lip and held back the tears. After all how could I mourn my own death when I 
wasn't really dead?

A single envelope caught my eye and I recognised the scribble on the front as PJ's hand 
writing. Sitting next to it were several more of the same. On impulse and without thinking 
I grabbed them up and stuffed them in my pocket looking around quickly to see that no one 
was watching.

I turned to walk away from "my" grave and noticed someone walking away. I ignored it for 
the moment and just hoped that they didn't recognise me as me and regarded me as just 
another mourner.

**

"You went back, didn't you?" Mick could tell.

"I had to Mick, and I'll keep going back until I can see PJ."

"You know that it will just make it harder for him don't you?"

"I need to be with him." Mick was impossible. A hot headed know-it-all detective. For once I 
just wished that he'd be my brother and leave the badge at work.

**

I waited until I knew he'd be working till after dark and snuck out again. I didn't know where
 I was going but I knew that I just had to get out of the house for a while.

I found myself out the front of the watch house and debated whether I should go in or not. 
The lights flicked on and I ran... to PJ's house. There was someone behind me the whole way. 
I could feel it. There was someone chasing me. I couldn't see them behind me I turned to 
look back several times and there was no one there. Maybe I was just being over cautious.

I ended up in PJ's backyard. There were no lights on and it wasn't that late so I knew that 
he wasn't at home. I dug around for a spare key and unlocked the back door and let myself 
in. 

It was so dark and cold. Not much had changed. The curtains, I smiled when I saw that. I'd 
have to tell him that I liked these ones a lot more. I checked my watch and wondered why 
he wasn't home. 
Part of me was glad and another just wanted him to be here so I could see him again. I jumped 
as his phone rang. It was Mick. 

"PJ, Mick. I know you just left but I wanted to thank you for your help today, I know it 
must be hard..." Mick rambled on for a few more seconds. 

It meant that PJ was almost home. I had to make a choice. To stay and see him again. Jeopardize 
his life and mine. Or go and leave him feeling miserable. I knew what I had to do. 

I watched him from across the street. Just seeing him again made me feel so much better. I 
just wished it would help him. 

** 

"Mick, I have to tell him I'm still alive." 

"You just can't Maggie you'd jeopardize too much. I know you love him and that he loves 
you." 

"He's dying inside Mick I just know it. I need to see him to speak to him." 

"No, we're leaving Mt. Thomas and you are *never* to come back. Understand?" 

"You can't tell me what to do forever Mick I want to see him before I leave." 

We stared at each other defiantly. Both as stubborn as the other before I stormed out of 
the lounge room slamming the door. 

** 

I lay there that night staring at the roof for what seemed like hours. Plotting and thinking. 
I knew I had to see PJ again. I had to let him talk to me before Mick dragged me away... again. 


It wasn't even six weeks that I'd be "dead" but it already felt like forever to me. I don't 
even know how Mick and I ended up back in Mt. Thomas. 

** 

"Ben, she was at my house!" An exasperated PJ tried explaining to Ben. Ben looked at him with 
a mixture of concern and sympathy.

"PJ," he said, "I know that you're finding it hard to accept but Maggie's gone. Forever." 

"You just don't understand. She was there, I *promise* you that." 

** 

His house was so dark. Empty, quiet... I guess 'lonely' would be the best word to describe it. 
It made me so sad, angry. At myself for doing this to him. I left him behind and I didn't even 
say goodbye.  God I *hate* myself for that. That's probably why I'm here now. To have that 
goodbye that so many others don't get. To have it, to cherish it. To say *exactly* what I've 
never had the chance to say, to say what I'll never have the chance to say. 

To tell him that I love him... 

** 

"Maggie, you *cannot* keep going back to his house." 

"I was waiting for him Mick. I am going to see him, you know how much he needs to see me too." 

"Right now everyone thinks he's cracking up. He's going on and on about you being at his house." 

"I don't care Mick. This'll all be over soon they'll get what's on that disk and I'll be s
afe again." 

"It's not as simple as that." 

"I'm going back to my life Mick whether you like it or not." He grew angry. His brow was creased
 and neck red. I should've known better than to argue with him. 

"Maggie!" He began to yell. "NO! You understand me? We're leaving tomorrow morning no questions 
asked. We should've been gone days ago." 

"No Mick. No! I'm not going without seeing him." 

"You'll get yourself killed." 

** 

I was already dead so what did it matter? I stormed out of the house and began walking. It was
 dark, and wet. I was so cold. I kept my head down as and walked down the street. 

I didn't know where I was going. Nowhere I guess, I had no home it was gone. With my life... 

** 

"Sorry!" I'd bumped into someone. I glanced up to see who it was. 
Ben. I put my head down and walked away again quickly.
"Maggie?" He reached out and touched my wet shoulder. I spun around to look at him. "Maggie?" 

As soon as I met his eyes, something snapped.  He pulled me into a hug and I hugged him back. 
The warmth of love felt so good. 

** 

"I have to tell PJ." I was dry and warm and inside his house. I shook my head. 

"You can't Ben." 

"But you were going to see him, right?" I nodded. 

"I've changed my mind." I took the coffee he had and placed it on the table and stood up and 
held him. 

He held me back tightly and we swayed from side to side. 

** 

"PJ, I don't know how to ask you this." 

"Just spit it out." 

"Have you seen Maggie?" His shocked faced turned to face Mick. 

"Pardon?" 

"Have you seen her. In the past few hours?" 

"No, she's waiting at home with dinner ready and the house clean. Of course I haven't bloody 
seen her! What kind of question is that?" 

"Shhh, she's..." Mick looked around. "She's not dead." 

** 

I heard a knock on Ben's door and him go to open it. 

"PJ." 

"Maggie's not dead." There look of happiness on his face that I hadn't seen for so long. 

Ben looked down at his feet and mumbled. 

"Where is she?" That was my cue. 

"I'm here." I stepped out of the spare room and PJ saw me and froze. 

** 

Ben had discreetly left the room. We were seated on the couch. PJ looked scared, almost as 
though I was a ghost. I couldn't blame him though, because in a way, I was. And there was 
another 
part to his look, something I couldn't quite place...  

He only managed to say four single words to me, but each one hurt like hell. "You saw Ben 
first." He looked at me for bit and walked out. Dejected and betrayed. I hung my head in 
shame.

** 

I had no choice but to go "home" that night. I couldn't stay with Ben, as much as I needed 
to talk to someone apart from my brother. I couldn't make things worse with PJ. 

Mick had a go at me. Ranting and raving, he was more like Dad than he cared to admit. 

I know he's only being like this to protect me. But I really wish he wouldn't. 

** 

I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about PJ. It was after three in the morning and I risked my
 own safety, and his, to go and see him. 

When I knocked on the door the first four times there was no answer. I knocked again louder 
and heard footsteps. He opened the door and saw me standing there. I was drenched from the 
rain that had suddenly started. 

He was polite enough to open the door and let me in. He draped a towel around me and oddly 
enough didn't touch me in doing so. He hadn't touched me yet. That made me feel odd. I wanted 
so much to touch him and hold him tight. But he had to make the first move. 

** 

It took so long for either of us to speak. Too long. 

"I'm sorry PJ." 

"Ben, of all people." 

"It's not like I did it on purpose." Straight into an argument. It felt a little like I'd 
never been away. 

"Maggie, you were at his *house* how could you?" He was hurt, very much so. I could tell by 
his eyes by his voice. 

"PJ, I was coming to see you. I just literally ran into him first." I reached out to touch 
his knee. 

** 

We were still avoiding the topic that was bound to come up sooner or later. 

Why? 

As my hand touched his knee and he jumped a little. Like I still wasn't real. I was beginning 
to think that I wasn't really here. Maybe I was dead. Maybe this was all in my imagination.
 Maybe... 

"I'm so sorry," I meant that. 

"You didn't even say goodbye. You were going to let our last moments together be at that 
hospital. *That* was going to be our goodbye?" I nodded slightly. "Maggie, why?" 

"I don't know Peej..." And I didn't. I don't. I opened my mouth to speak, but he cut me off.

"You can't even blame Mick, can you?" I shook my head.

"No, I went along with him. I didn't want to, but I did."

PJ sat quietly for a long time. He just looked at me. Studying me for a long while before 
reaching out and cupping my chin in his hand.

"I know Mags, it's just..."

"I know." We smiled at each other before he kissed me.

After a moment, I pulled away.  He had a right to the truth.  "PJ," I said suddenly.  He looked 
at me with his head cocked to one side. "Do you want to know why I did it?" He looked at me for
 a bit before nodding ever so slightly. "It was..." I paused and took a deep breath. "It was 
different. After I went away. I wasn't the same person." I spoke so slowly.

PJ reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear before cupping my chin.

"I still love you Mags." His face became sad suddenly as his soft hands touched my face.

"I love you too, but it was different - I wasn't the same person, I'm still not. I- I'm not 
the person you fell in love with."

"Maggie..." We could both feel an argument coming on so the subject was dropped for the moment.

**

We awoke the next morning to rain steadily pouring down. I actually expected the sunlight 
to stream in onto my face to wake us to the birds chirping.

I should know by now not to get what I expect.

I expected to be able to stay in Mt. Thomas after everything that went on the first time. 
I was wrong. I also wanted to stay the second time. I was wrong again.

Despite no sun streaming in the window I was able to watch PJ sleeping peacefully beside me 
for quite sometime before he stirred. He had a smile on his face before even opening his eyes.

As he opened his eyes it was just like a movie. Reaching out to touch me, checking if I was 
real.

"It's okay, I'm really here." I chuckled softly not wanting to break the moment.

"And you wanted to give this up." He became melancholy for a moment before pulling me down 
next to him.

We lay silently for a while content in our own thoughts. Content in being together. 
Overjoyed in having something that we never thought we'd see again.

Stupidly I glanced at the time and swore under my breath.

"What?!" PJ became anxious. He sat up instantly looking around.

"Just the time, you really should go to work and," I paused not wanting to admit it. "I have 
to face up to Mick."

He nodded and hugged me again, as if it would be the last time. For "just in case" I guess. 
I'd left him like that before who wasn't to say I wouldn't do it again?

**

I can only imagine how PJ managed to get through work that day. He and Ben were the only ones
 no longer mourning my death. I gather it would have been like a weight was lifted off 
their shoulders.

Mick on the other hand...

"Maggie you're a bloody fool!"

"But Mick he's so happy now! You should have seen his face when he saw me, when he touched 
me. You've got no idea what that's like do you Mick?"

We were already in a full-blown argument and I'd only just walked in the door.

"Maggie, you have to understand. I'm close to losing my job."

"Bullshit, Mick. I'm close to losing my *life*!  And they, they don't even know where I am!"

His face was straight. He never bloody showed any emotion, and at that moment, I hated him 
for it.

** 

I was waiting for PJ when he got home that night. He must have known I was there.

"Honey, I'm home!" I laughed from the couch and he reached over from behind to kiss me. We
 forgot all of our problems for that split second, and it was fantastic.

We pretended that we had no problems for a full hour before settling down in front of 
the television to really talk.

**

"I don't have a lot of choices here, PJ," I told him honestly.

He didn't seem to care. "Let me come with you then, for real this time."

"How could you possibly leave without it being suspicious?"

"I'll think of something, anything. Just to be with you. I thought you'd know that by now."

"I know," I spoke softly and rested my head in his lap as he stroked my hair. "I can't stay 
here PJ, especially like this."

"I know." We both knew I had to go away. And not ever come back. It was too much to bear...

**

I went to see Ben, alone. PJ, for once, knew I had to and he accepted it. I hugged him 
reassuringly before leaving.

"Thanks for letting me do this." He nodded. As I got out of the car I turned to him and 
smiled. "You know I love you." He nodded.

"I love you too." I bent down and kissed him and jogged up the path whilst he waited for me.

**

"I'm glad you understand Ben." I'd explained to him and he'd understood. He wanted me to stay 
as much as PJ did but knew it wasn't possible.

He gave me a hug which lasted for eternity. For a second I thought about 
the might-have-beens had I chosen Ben. When he pulled away, I couldn't help myself.  I 
kissed him.

He pulled away again, not instantly, not even a second later. We let the moment linger
 for a moment.

"I don't love you." I told him mater-of-factly. 

"I know, it's for what we could have had, right?" He smiled at me sincerely and I nodded.

"I have to go. I'll miss you."

"And I'll miss you."

** 


I walked down the path turning back to see Ben once more before he shut the door.

I saw PJ waiting in the car and it reassured me that I did make the right choice. It was a 
pity  it wasn't going to last.

I sat in the car and PJ kissed me again.

"Got everything?" I scoffed a little. What was everything? I had nothing left. None the less 
I'd left my coat inside. Shaking my head I pecked PJ on the cheek and went to get out of the 
car.

PJ stopped me and held me for just a second before embracing me softly. I melted again and 
sighed. My eyes remained closed long after he'd released me. I smiled and got out of the car 
and ran back to the house.

**
**

Our last moment together wasn't even that special. In a way I'm glad and in another I regret 
it completely. One thing that I don't regret is him kissing me the way he did before I got out
 of the car. The thought of me having kissed Ben after him and then never seeing him again 
would have been unbearable... I never expected things to end up like this. Not for a second.
 Never in my wildest nightmares - I never thought they'd find out... Actually I probably did.
 But I never thought they'd kill him.

I was supposed to die. Not him. Not PJ.

I wonder how they found out. I'm still wondering who "they" are. I don't think that I ever 
*want* to know because I'd hate "them" until the day I die. They killed my PJ. It should've 
been me, and it was meant to be me! I was supposed to be in that car.

Maybe it was fate, and maybe I'm supposed to live a secret life away from everyone I know 
and love. Maybe...

I'm just sick to death of the maybes now. I'm sick to death of hiding away like this. I just 
want my life like it used to be, before I had to go away on stupid bloody witness protection
 that first goddamned time.

I've been through so much, too much. It's just not fair. I can still hear the ringing in my 
ears from the almighty bang. And knowing in that instant what had gone wrong. *Knowing* that
 it was PJ, when it should have been me. They thought that I was still in the car; they hadn't 
seen me run back into the house.  If they had... Like I said, I'm sick to death of the maybes.
 They hadn't seen me, and that's the only reason I'm alive today. Not that you'd call *this* 
living...

But slowly, I'll get my life back. And I'm going to do what PJ wanted. I will fall in love 
again. With someone else. Not Ben - that was a might-have-been, and nothing more. Besides I
 never want to go back *there* again. If Ben has kept my secret, I'm still dead. Sometimes 
I even feel dead, deep in my heart, where I keep PJ alive. I want to feel alive again, and 
I know that it's possible to love again. PJ taught me that. So maybe I'll meet someone and 
fall in love with them, who know? It's still a little hard to think about. But maybe I'll be 
as happy as I was going to be with *him*...

**

The moonlight cast an eerie shadow over PJ's grave; ironically, it was next to mine. It was
 sweet. The Boss requested it like that. Everyone did. I don't want to imagine what they're 
all going through right now. It must be hell.

As I placed flowers on both our graves I closed my eyes and smiled. Here at least, we'd be 
together forever. And one day, our souls would dance here together, reunited.

I think he'd like that.

~*~ The End ~*~